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Friday, June 27, 2003
Feh. Yeah, it was one of those days. Except for the monumental coolness of the Supreme Court decision, it largely sucked. (Well, at least sucking is legal now...) On Wednesday we had one of those "Why are we screwing up?" office meetings, and one of the issues was the personal Internet use policy. Some of us (um, yeah, me...) had been using it too much, and the new policy was "before work, after work, and at lunch." Well, yesterday I was not exactly abiding by that, and I got a personal e-mail about it from my manager. I apologized, of course, and reminded him that I have ADD, and asked if I could have a mid-afternoon e-mail break. It's a loooooooooooong stretch between 11:30 and 4:30 (or 5, or 5:15, as is increasingly usual), and I absolutely depend on having a snack, taking some Ritalin, and e-mailing J. around 2:30 or 3. This apparently required a conference with my boss, and I was finally granted a 15-minute break, and I had to say when it was going to be. So I did, and I've been good so far today. But I felt pretty crappy. I really hate being in trouble, and I'm constantly worried about being fired (I guess it's not likely, but I worry), and there was a "discussion" about this last year. And I was getting the feeling that the point of addressing the question in the meeting with the whole office was specifically directed at me. Anyway. I was very good for the rest of the day. We finally, after two and a half years, got an air conditioner in my part of the office. Except it rattles like crazy. I guess that's preferable to blazing heat, but still, it doesn't improve the atmosphere, or my mood, any. So I finally got home, and finally got around to reading Harry Potter #5 (I actually got it on Wednesday, but about five pages in realized I needed to reread #4.) And it's good, but it's not very cheerful. I immersed myself in it for hours, during which, in the back of my mind, I felt worse and worse about work. It got to the point that, when J. opened the bedroom door, I screamed and jumped and dropped the book. And then burst into tears. And, feeling stupid, told him how bad (and stupid) I was feeling about work. And how hard it is for me not to be able to use the Internet; as previously mentioned, I have ADD, and I just can't concentrate on one thing for hours at a time. Wound up staying up till 1:30 or so, the third night in a row I've been up past midnight. Had really wretched dreams (including one where I had to walk to work and somehow went blind and got there and was in my bathrobe and couldn't use a computer and fell asleep on my desk [the dream ended just as I was getting fired], and another where I was trying to get the police to arrest a serial killer but they wouldn't and I had to show them the body of the latest victim). So I woke up this morning, exhausted, wanting to do anything but go to work. Cried into my coffee, feeling stupid again. Got here, was very good about the Internet thing, and I guess I'm doing okay on my probation. Still feeling bad about it, though. We have a cleaning lady, for the first time since I started working here, and it's nice to have clean floors and desks; but she used a very noxious and smelly chemical, and it gave me a headache. And fresh air isn't an attractive option, since it's fucking hot and humid out there. Okay, sorry for going on and on about my not-all-that-dreadful misery. I could have worse problems, obviously. But I feel like crap and I'm tired and I'm sick of everything and I suppose I should talk to my psychiatrist about upping my antidepressants... [ at 12:44 PM • by Abby • permalink • ] |
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