Clinton: We must keep this old democracy forever young—

J. (as Clinton): "And hot—"

Me: "And available. Here's my number."

1. Yoda::'s penis (thanks, The Onion: they've got an article titled "Don't Tell Me You've Never Wondered What Yoda's Penis Looked Like," and you can get that headline on a t-shirt; and now I'll never be able to get it out of my mind, thankyouverymuch.)
2. Mensa::genius (bo-ring)
3. Pink::Rose (not just the flower; that's the name of a little bakeryrestaurant near South St. where you can have breakfast and dessert all day as well as order big ol' cakes and pastries for all your sugar-intensive party needs)
4. Text message::go away (irritable, I am)
5. Galactic::Enterprise (is that from "Star Wars" too?—I know the "Star Trek" ship is called the Enterprise, but I don't know if there's an organization called the Galactic Enterprise in that.)
6. Chicks::eggs (even I am surprised that I didn't go for an "attractive young women" reference there, but I think little fluffy bird chicks are so darn cute I can't not think about them when given the opportunity)
7. Quesadilla::yo quiero Taco Bell (no idea if I'm spelling that right)
8. Backpack::CD drive (that's what my external CD drive is called)
9. Socket::wrench (I've been hanging around J. too long to think of anything but a tool for this one)
10. Compromise::or else (you can't compromise and have an ultimatum at the same time, can you?—oh well; irritable, I am.)

The Philly contestants—teams, individual humans, individual horses—always choke in the clutch. Snatch defeat from the jaws of victory. Come up short at the last minute. In other words, lose—not all the time, like some teams (I don't know for sure all the legendary ones, but aren't the Red Sox and the Cubs up there?)—in cities that just shrug and wait for another 3-27 season; our teams wind up with 27-3, where the third of the three is the NFC championship or the Elite 8 game in the NCAA tournament or the seventh game of the NBA finals. So, hey, the third leg of the Triple Crown? Hell, we were practically expecting it. (All down the backstretch I was just saying "Please do it, please do it"—never mind yelling "C'mon!", just "don't let us down again.")

But they always do...

Cross-posted from my journal, because I'm busy lazy nah, busy.

@ARGV="$TheFile";
@ARGV="$TheFile.tmp";

1. Pistol:: whip
2. Rick::shaw
3. Full circle:: Half-nelson (no, I don't know why)
4. I wish:: for fish (is that a line from a Dr. Seuss book, or some other rhyming children's book?—I have this in my head: "I have a wish, a wish for fish")
5. Frame::-up
6. Adult:: films
7. Photography:: studio
8. Stew::meat
9. Cheat:: lie
10. Brad:: cop (that's my brother's name, and he's a Philly police officer)

• Have you guys noticed this trend in movie advertising? Movie ad: "[Some movie] is the winner of three Golden Globe nominations!" Excuse me, no, you're not. You're the recipient of three Golden Globe nominations. You're only a winner if you win an actual Golden Globe, okay? (Or a Film Critics/People's Choice/Academy/Whatever-the-Hell Award.) Stop trying to make it sound better. Geez, they already stopped saying "And the winner is..." in favor of "And the Oscar goes to..." so they wouldn't hurt anybody's feelings. If they're not even saying you're the winner when you win, you're sure as hell not the winner when they nominate you. Okay?


• Philadelphia Traffic Imponderable: When two people run a red light in opposite directions, and one of them is making an illegal left turn, who has the right of way? (Hint: The guy in the biggest car. Or, if they're the same size, the guy in the least-expensive car. You wanna chance your new Beemer against my '85 Saab? I didn't think so.) (God, I miss my '85 Saab. It was dark blue and stick-shift and had no radio or air conditioning and was named Nixon. [Because it had a nose like a weasel.] I went to grad school in North Philly for four years and I was the only person I knew whose car was never broken into. Hell, there were times when I'd've paid people to break into that car. "You want it? If you can get the damn thing started, it's yours!" {I eventually gave it up when the parking tickets got to be too expensive; and buying the third transmission would've cost a lot, too.} Oh well, Nixon; rest in pieces. Lots of pieces. Probably distributed among many Saabs in the Delaware Valley by now.] At any rate, if any asshole in a Beemer had tried to assert his right-of-way over mine in the middle of an intersection when we both had a red light, I'd've gunned the engine and said "Yeah, Beemer boy, crash the fuck into me, I don't even have collision insurance, see if I care." Ha. [I miss you, Nixon.])


• I didn't do any New Year's resolutions posts, or seeing-how-I-did-on-last-year's New Year's resolution posts, because I can't recall ever having made a serious New Year's resolution in my life. (I haven't given up anything for Lent since I was in Catholic school, either.) It's not that I don't want to improve myself; just that the Gregorian-calendar year isn't something I feel the need to attach it to. Hell, it's the middle of the fucking winter; you think I want to be standing on a scale next December 31st and seeing if I, for instance, lost the 15 pounds I said I'd lose the previous January so I'd look good in a swimsuit the previous July? Hell no. So fuck it.
  
  But—there had to be a "but" for me to be writing this—but...I want to learn to draw birds. Or to get good at drawing birds. (I'm pretty good at drawing; or I was, back when I had free time and free art supplies.) I have an ulterior motive, which I haven't confessed to anyone but myself and J.; but I'll put this one right out in public for anyone online to see, while the five glasses of wine put the smackdown on my usual inhibitions: I'm going to learn to draw birds. I already bought two books on drawing animals at the art supply store on South St., and ordered an "Artist's Reference" book on birds from Amazon. I've been collecting Peri's feathers in a glass jar (she's molting, and she's not very happy about it), so I can use them as models; and, eventually, I can try to use her as a model, though I imagine she'll be much more interested in perching on the pencil or pecking the paintbrush than in standing still for me. But. Anyway. I'm saying it: I'm going to learn to draw birds. And if I don't, you can call me on it in 2006. Okay? Okay.

WRAZ-TV (Fox 50) in Raleigh-Durham, N.C., has yanked "Daddy" and instead will air a documentary, "I Have Roots and Branches: Personal Reflections on Adoption," in the 8-9:30 p.m. EST block slated for "Daddy."

"We are proud to share this enlightening and heartwarming program, both as informative, appropriate family viewing, and as a public service as well," FOX 50 VP and General Manager Tommy Schenck said on the Web site of the station's Capitol Broadcasting Co. parent.

Fox has shot a total of six episodes of "Daddy" but so far has scheduled only one airing as a special.

The show challenges a woman who was adopted as an infant to pick her father from a group of eight men for a $100,000 prize. If the woman picks the right man, she wins the $100,000, but if not the impostor gets the money.

Fox reps have stressed that despite the show's provocative title, all of the people featured in "Daddy" were willing participants and that regardless of the competitive element, all of the women are reunited with their biological fathers as a result of their participation in the show.

The show challenges a woman who was adopted as an infant to pick her father from a group of eight men for a $100,000 prize. If the woman picks the right man, she wins the $100,000, but if not the impostor gets the money.

"There are yellow ribbons on almost every car now, and I'm just wondering where people are buying them from."

Tamara says many stores selling "support the troops magnets" are not really supporting the troops.

"I asked one, the manager had no idea, she said she had no idea where the money went."

But with almost every discount store now selling ribbons, Tamara asks you to buy only from charities, veterans groups, and stores who confirm your money will help soldiers and their loved ones.

My advice? Before buying a support the troops ribbon, ask how your purchase will support the troops.

If you can't get a straight answer, look for an organization that will tell you exactly how it's helping.

So don't waste your money.

Stung by criticism that they were lowering ethical standards, House Republicans on Monday night reversed a rule change that would have allowed a party leader to retain his position even if indicted.

Lawmakers and House officials said Republicans, meeting behind the closed doors of the House chamber, had acted at the request of the House majority leader, Representative Tom DeLay, who had been the intended beneficiary of the rule change.

When they rewrote party rules in November, Republicans said they feared that Mr. DeLay could be subjected to a politically motivated indictment as part of a campaign finance investigation in Texas that has resulted in charges against three of his associates. The decision, coupled with other Republican proposals to rewrite the ethics rules, drew fierce criticism from Democrats and watchdogs outside the government, who said the Republican majority was subverting ethics enforcement.

Those attending the Republican meeting, which was held on the day before the opening of the 109th Congress on Tuesday, said Republicans unanimously agreed to restore the old rule after Mr. DeLay told them that the move would clear the air and deny Democrats a potent political issue. In the past year, he has been admonished by the ethics panel three times: for his tactics in trying to persuade a colleague to support the Medicare drug bill, for appearing to link political donations to support for legislation and for involving a federal agency in a political matter in Texas.

Some Republicans who originally opposed the rules change enthusiastically greeted the decision not to go through with it.

"It allows the Republicans to focus on the issues, the agenda that is before us and not to have Tom DeLay be the issue," Representative Zach Wamp, Republican of Tennessee, said. "I feel like we have just taken a shower."

An Associated Press photographer who flew over Sri Lanka's Yala National Park in an air force helicopter saw abundant wildlife, including elephants, buffalo, deer, and not a single animal corpse.

Floodwaters from the tsunami swept into the park, uprooting trees and toppling cars onto their roofs [...] but the animals apparently were not harmed and may have sought out high ground, said Gehan de Silva Wijeyeratne, whose Jetwing Eco Holidays ran a hotel in the park.

"This is very interesting. I am finding bodies of humans, but I have yet to see a dead animal," said Wijeyeratne, whose hotel in the park was totally destroyed in Sunday's tidal surge. "Maybe what we think is true, that animals have a sixth sense."

"The elephants didn't believe the mahouts [who were trying to calm them down]. They just kept running for the hill," said Wit Aniwat, 24, who takes the money from tourists and helps them on to the back of elephants from a sturdy wooden platform.

Those with tourists aboard headed for the jungle-clad hill behind the resort beach where at least 3,800 people, more than half of them foreigners, would soon be killed. The elephants that were not working broke their hefty chains.

"Then we saw the big wave coming and we started running," Wit said.

Around a dozen tourists were also running toward the hill from the Khao Lak Merlin Resort [...]

"The mahouts managed to turn the elephants to lift the tourists onto their backs," Kulada said.

She used her hands to describe how the huge beasts used their trunks to pluck the foreigners from the ground and deposit them on their backs.

"The elders told us that if the water recedes fast it will reappear in the same quantity in which it disappeared," 65-year-old village chief Sarmao Kathalay told the paper.

So while in some places along the southern coast, Thais headed to the beach when the sea drained out of beaches - the first sign of the impending tsunami - to pick up fish left flapping on the sand, the gypsies headed for the hills.

"Last term Mr Kearney taught us about earthquakes and how they can cause tsunamis," Tilly was quoted as saying by The Sun.

"I was on the beach and the water started to go funny. There were bubbles and the tide went out all of a sudden. I recognised what was happening and had a feeling there was going to be a tsunami. I told mummy."

Her intuition was enough to raise the alert and prompt the evacuation of Phuket's Maikhao beach and a neighbouring hotel before the water came crashing in, saving hundreds of people from death and injury.

[...]

The girl's geography teacher, Andrew Kearnay from Surrey in northern England, told the paper he had explained to his class that there was about 10 minutes from the moment the ocean draws out before the tsunami strikes.